|
|
|
| you cant know what pain is, until you get into it and feel. |
| by Maheshwar Mathad |
Mar, 29th 2008
I remember it was Wed, Apr 11, 2007 at 3:28 PM, you sent me a test mail.
I also remember it is Sat, March 29, 2008 at 3:30AM, I am writing you mail.
First of all things I would like say that you totally failed to understand me. You thought I am just a boy but I was not, though I am; I am a world, I am a universe.
Let me tell you a smallest incident that happened 20 years ago with me. My father was a farmer and he was growing vegetable at backyards of my home. It was an evening and I was just back from my school and yet to go to grounds. But he suddenly took me to backyards and asked me to seed 2 each seeds into the ground where he marked. I was so angry, but I had no way started putting seeds into ground and cover it with mud. I was clever and thought of finishing it as soon as possible and started putting more than two seeds into one pitch. Soon after I said seeds are over and he was wondering that he bought as much seeds to plant whole backyard.
It was 3rd day morning I was still asleep, and I heard my dad screaming my name and I went to him in backyards. Oh! I was stunned that I could see more than 5 sprouts in same pitch!! I was still thinking and he slapped me so hard that I still remember the speed. Then he said ‘what ever you seed today, world will see it tomorrow. And that was my first lesson learnt by my dad.
I am not praising myself, but the fact is I always followed my own set of principles while I am living. The way I come across from my backyards till today is the best example for success of my principles. I never ever wish others to practice principles but I always love people with principles. I really don’t know how much you know apart from your profession, but you are a ‘common girl’ with out any principles.
And then, it’s all about you and me. Its not been a year yet after we knew each other and now we behave as if we never knew each other. I am so hurt to say that I could not retain the relation. I don’t know how you feel, for you it might be like ‘jaane do yaar, e gaya tho koi aur milega’ but for me it’s too difficult. Aur mereliye sifr tum thi duja koi nahi tha. It really hurts when someone is dishonest while deciding major steps of life. Hope you remember, we reached the stage of marrying eachother. And let me tell you, for me, a marriage is not just being wife and husband. There should be lot and lots of love to each other. And I cannot explain you what love is! But for me it is the life time pleasure to be in love. To be frank I hardly felt that you are in love with me those days. But you never noticed it, I have told you so many examples, incidents about love but you were least bothered about them.
Still thinking, why did I change my behavior recently? Here is my answer.
Try to remember, to how many recipients you have sent same picture, same prasaada within above mentioned period. I don’t misunderstand sending pics to many as love towards them, but in your case it was same understanding. Try to remember who came to Your place when you said me that your dad has sent a boy to see you and you are going to receive him in airport. Please try to remember for whom you were on fasting on the occasion of Karwa Chout. And please try to remember how many calls and messages you were receiving in mid nights. And most important is try to remember how many of them still say that they love you.
Let me tell you directly, Mylove you were seeding more than one seed into same pitch, to be clear you were feeding more than one boy with your love at a same time. And now, its third day so I called you to backyard to show you that there are more than one sprout.
Should I slap you now?
No, it was my father’s mistake that he appointed me to seed the seeds.
I am not blaming you or pointing you as you are bad. Infact there is nothing ‘bad’ on this earth. We take it bad because we didn’t like it. And same case with me, I don’t say you are bad. These things might be good in your sense but I don’t like them that’s all.
And your exception is that no boy was honest with you so you need to manage with many of them to get a better one. I am totally wrong if I say, love happens with single person. No ways love can happen with as many persons as you wish. But you have to ask yourself if the love offered by you to them was true? Or fake? I will tell you true love has got power of everything and destructive character like anything. One who tried to destroy you if love was faild then think that they never been in love with you.
Love is love, either live it or die for it.
And next comes marriage; just think if you could make a better wife to me? Keep aside the religious, social and cultural aspects. To be a wife, its not enough to be a woman, you should be everything to your better half My love. I have my own dreams about my wife, my family and you decide yourself how far you were fitting in this. Would you expect if I could have leaded a better life with you? I or any man can bare anything but not this kind of behavior. And still there are so many men who least bothered about these things please go with them. There are men who believe in same principles like you to seed more seeds into same pitch, and they never turn back to see the sprouts even. That category would suit you best, I think after noticing these behaviors. And they never discuss such bullshit with you.
But, please not me. I am too weak by relations. Every night after going bed I think a lot if I have committed any mistake. And believe me I don’t get sleep if I am wrong at any point.
Though I flew continents still my roots are deep rooted into this land My love, I still practice the values I learnt since my birth. My dad never ever offered me a notebook even, a pen. And I never knew what time table is till my 8th standard. It’s not a pen or notebook that makes a brilliant student; it’s our values and principles indeed. If you have any other intensions behind love please declare it at first step atleast with people like me.
I agree that was a mistake with my side. I never said yes or no when you asked me about our marriage. I know you were very particular about that question and eagerly waiting for my answer. I had many reason by then to keep you in dilemma, the very first reason was I never had met you in person, and how can I say yes? And second reason was I never knew that you are in hurry to get married. By then I was searching for love in you to me rather a girl to marry, and you ever said, M, I love you and I cant live without you. Really My love, I was waiting to hear it from you. And more important was you never revealed yourself about your past! By then you gone through 3 boys and had same relation with one more boy in parallel! You spent equal time over phone; you sent same pics to him. And I never imagined that, you have a backup also! By then, you were the one and one girl for me. These were the reasons that never created love in your heart to me. You remember I used to talk to you like anything over phone, and I have complained that I don’t see any love in you for me. And you were acting as if you ever talked to boys, as if ever kissed a boy oh! That was a pure cheating. I would have loved you even more if you would have said that you didn’t find love with the earlier boys.
Chat with Niharika,
To be frank, that was not at all the cause that you brake up with me and started sending UMMMAAAs to him through mails! I said you, may be few days earlier that you are impossible and I cannot go with you for longer time so I have decided to brake up with you. But it was not even a week that you sent me a final mail and started dealing with him! Oh! I never imagined that I will be so cheap in your life. Then I knew that you had a better option and didn’t even think about my relation.
Can you imagine how a person feels when he is been cheated by love? I hope you have experience it. Though you felt that pain, you never said to me that you are looking for a husband rather than for love. I was fool and believed it as love and caused a huge wound in my heart.
Saari india mein sifr mein hee mila tha tumhe cheat karne keliye?
I was a fool that I believed you as an innocent girl and shared my valuable feelings. I was really in love with you and build million dreams about leading a family life with you. You remember your friend says that I look like a pakka flirt? No, I was not a flirt for first time I met you and thought of loving you seriously. Aur ek thu thi jo pehle kabhi utna pyar karne wale ko nahi dekhi thi, job hi tumhare jindagi mein aaye the o tumhara istemaal karke hat gaye the. Magar mein weisa nahi tha, isliye tumhe pagal jeise call kiya, sms bheja, aur tum mujhe flilrt samajh baithi.
Mujhe e afsos nahi hai ki tum mujhe chod gayi, magar abhi mere dil ko ye baath pinch karti hai ki tumne mujhse sachchayi chupa rakhi. Now I understand that i expected a true love from you! Which was not possible. You underestimated me thinking that I may never ask you your past, but I judge present with the past. If you would have said me even a single word about othese boys I would have really felt proud of you that you trust me.
The rest is history, I cannot delete any person from my life without knowing the truth. And its time to say that now I know you and truths behind you. And I am much comfortable to say that I am deleting you from my life. And I am sure, it doesn’t make any difference for you, you never been a good human to think about these truths. You are one of those most common girls who never lead a better life. But I am worried that I have to tell all those things happened with you to my coming wife. And I hope she will be broad enough to judge me.
Tumhare zindagi mein ek hee M aya tha, you will not find other M in your life span. Mein chahata hun ki abke baad tho kuch sudhro, aur ek achchi zindagi jio. Attaining the stage of ‘nirvanam’ is not imaginary, but you feel it when you feel that the way you are leading is the best one.
I never say that, if not you I will find a better girl than you. No, I wont find a girl like you, you were so loveable for me. And I have spent some part of my life with you. So you will be one of my valuable persons in my life.
Live a better life, so that you feel love on yourself.
-M |
|
|
|
Letter Options:
|
|
|
|
