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| For Your Happiness ... |
| by Amma |
Dear Jimmy,
I want to thank you for all the love, happiness, the pain and the tears you have brought into my life. I always told you that you came for a reason into my life. And yes, it is true, you have taught me to love unconditionally no matter how painful it was. The love we shared will always be remembered, will always bring that smile in my heart with no regrets. Times spent with you will always be remembered with tears and joy as it was the joyous and tearful part of my life.
You have strengthened my faith, brought me closer to the Lord as I was always afraid to lose you and I hold on to him closely. I never really lost you, did I? I have more than sweet memories because I had you once. I know you loved me well not enough to keep me but enough for the moment. You ruined me for another man although I was not able to do a good job with you - I am more cautious now, wiser.
You hurt me; I can still feel the pain of every word you told me most especially when you weren't sure if you still loved me. You killed me when you said you and I are difficult to happen and I am still dying inside whenever I recall that moment, those words. I used to ask myself how could this guy who had once written sweet, affectionate messages on my phone can now hurt me badly with his words. I loved you so deeply that I become deaf and numb with your effort to push me away … I being always in control and always able to hold onto myself and for a moment I lost all the esteem, my ability to think, so I realize what I had for you is real love. I know you wanted me to hate you. But I guess I have so much love for you to ever hate you. You made me stronger when you hurt me. I did not say it was good for me to be hurt but it was only because we shared love that I was badly hurt.
It is silly but the tears you brought me cleanse my heart with all the past hurt. I probably still might not be over them but it made me a better person. I still cry when I remember you, still have sleepless nights, still wake up on early morning - times you call me to say I miss you or you love me … I still think of you. I still wish in the end there will be you and me and I still wish you loved me, but I am a better person now, able to understand things, see them not only on my point of view, I could better understand people's emotions now, see how could I ever hate you then. Thanks for bringing out the best in me, for all the joy, for giving me the best thing that ever happened in my life that was YOU - I know it's not the end for me; it might be a good start to begin my life again. I shouldn't be ever afraid to love again - I only need to be wiser.
In my heart you will always be more than just a sweet memory of the past or the love that was, more than that. I only walked away because you asked me too, because it will make you happy but my heart is never letting you go. That space you filled in will always be there for you. Someone might fill in the empty space and might take some of the space you left behind but there will always be that space in my heart for you even though you have given up on us.
I guess I will always love you. I will always love that simple man within you, the sweet you, the sensitive you, the affectionate you. And I will always miss the sweet words, your text messages, your admiring glances, the tight hugs, the sweet kisses, your touch, your strong arms, your comfort, the feeling of being safe, your sweet smile, your cute ears, our long telephone conversation, our dinners, the holding hands, the late night in the friendly parking lot and YOU.
I will always turn around when I see the same van you drove, stop, smile and think of you. I will always look back to the places we've been with that special joy in my heart. The time we spent was brief and yes I loved every minute of it and I will always cherish them. It will not only be good to me while it only lasts, as it will always be good, even when it's over.
I thank God you came into my life, Jimmy, and I love you … always will.
Always your baby,
Amma |
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