|This is want happend|
|by Tony Pizzano|
|It happened on the 6th of September 2005. |
Itâ€™s now April 2007, still never had a closure on the matter
Itâ€™s so hard to move on when youâ€™re left in the dark like this.
Not once did she let me know that this was going to happen,
How do you fix something if you donâ€™t know?
I got on my hands and knees begged her not to go, but I had no hope in hell
I asked myself why,
It seems to be so easy to be forgotten these days,
I wonder if youâ€™re sorry.
You owe me that much.
I wonder why you changed.
I thought everything was fine.
I wonder if you realize
what exactly you left behind.
I wonder if you aware
that you brought me so much pain.
I wonder if you understand
one day someone could do to you the same
Now this what happened
I got home from work one night; I could see it in her eyes that something was wrong.
I never imagine she was going to break my heart. One moment she was there, the next she was gone. My world was shattered right there and then.
Nothing I could do or say to make things right.
She went off and had the time of her life travelling the world, whilst I was left with all the hurt.
I thought she would come back but I was so dead wrong. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, now more than over a year has gone by. And I still feel like falling apart, but why did this happen.
I need to know,
Iâ€™m dead sure that her lesbian friends
Had a big part on this,
They would have convinced her, and help her along the way, Just so they could have her to them selfâ€™s.
What happened to that girl that used to say, if one of us was too died it would had to be her first because she could not live without me. And that she loved me more than I loved her, and waited for me at the bus stop with sayba when I got home from work,
Where did that girl go?
Was it all a joke all what? It sure seems like it now. Iâ€™m not sure but Iâ€™m just trying to make since of it all. Why canâ€™t you just tell me why you did this to me and put me out of my misery? Because Iâ€™m going through this every day since you left,
All you told me was that I didnâ€™t want kids
And that you where bored,
You just canâ€™t walk away from a marriage just like that, there has to be more please I must know if I am to get on with my life without you.
Why do you have to be so gutless and cold?
Those are the questions left unanswered,
You Deserted me so did your parents
Your mum keeps on saying how proud she is of you, but I wouldnâ€™t say that proud is the word I would use. She also says that you were not happy. Forgive me but where does it say that your supposed to be happy every day of your life.
Remember the words through sickness and health through good and bad till death do us part. Thatâ€™s what marriage is all about. Youâ€™re supposed to work and fix things not run away. Youâ€™re a coward and you always will be.
There are so many things I wish I could tell her
So many feelings
Too many thoughts
But words on their own can cause many faults,
Isn't it strange that words meant for communication
can somehow get in the way
That what you feel in your heart and soul
can come out wrong in what you say
but I know in these next few words that I say
will never come out wrong
I love you and I miss you
I wrote this letter because of a phone message I got from her, which wasnâ€™t very niceâ€¦
You said that Iâ€™m not much of a man for not taking your phone call. Well you need to know all the facts first before you make accusations. I may have not had the phone at the time of your call, all I may have been busy?
And youâ€™re right about me not able to communicate I do have troubles in that area. And what do you mean that Iâ€™m fucked up?
Is it because it wasnâ€™t me that pissed off and had too struggle for more than a year with all the payments of the house and everything else that goes with it.
And you say that my communication was bad, what about you?
You kept it away from me for two years that you were not happy and were going to leave me and not once you let me know.
Not until you felt good about your body and how good you started to look.
Thatâ€™s what this is all about.
I loved you no matter what,
Not once I said to you that you were fat and I never gave you a hard time about it. But your mum and dad always did.
And who gives you the right to say who I canâ€™t talk to and see.
Youâ€™re pissed off because of Gary-Kim-Jaime- for not speaking to your parents.
Well now you know what it feels like.
And not once did your parents come to see me.
After everything I did for them
The way they treated me is unforgivable,
You said that I have carried on like a fuck wit?
Well I just lost you, my home everything? And I donâ€™t even know why,
There were things that I didnâ€™t like about you which is between you and I So I wonâ€™t mention them, But it didnâ€™t make me stop loving you,
I stuck by you no matter what, And this is how you repay me, just goes to show how much of a woman you are?
There where things I kept to myself about my childhood days. Things I didnâ€™t want to remember,
but they haunted me in my dreams, and I made a promised to myself that I would never be like my father, and I kept my word.
I found out over 30 years later that my dreams were true. Maybe my childhood days did have an effected on my life in some way. But I truly believe Iâ€™m not a bad person, I just had some bad stuff that I needed to sort out, but I didnâ€™t?
So things like that means that Iâ€™m fucked up does it.
You say thatâ€™s it all my fault that this has happened and that I broke up your family. I donâ€™t think so?
They already had problems with each other and you know that.
So donâ€™t put the blame on me,
You just made it worse.
Youâ€™re the one that doesnâ€™t think of anyone but yourself and donâ€™t care who gets hurt in the long run.
So look in your own backyard before you go criticizing mine.
Youâ€™re saying that Nan is a hypocrite.
Take a look in the mirror and you will see who really is a hypocrite.
Youâ€™re really starting to piss me off, for what you said to meâ€¦
Letâ€™s see what life brings you when you loose your family and have as many deaths as I have had in mine.
At least your family are alive and look at how you treat them; I truly believe youâ€™re the one thatâ€™s fucked up.
You also said that youâ€™re glad that itâ€™s all over?
I loved you and I loved the life we had together.
But I knew I needed help and it seemed the only persons that understood and stuck by me was Nan and the Ellis.
I love your Nan and she will always be apart of my life with or with out you.
And another thing you said about my first marriage?
If I didnâ€™t fuck it up I would not have had a second one to go too,
You know it took me 8 years to get over my first wife. Then you came along and you made me so happy again,
So thatâ€™s not a very nice thing to say to someone what you said to me.
Because look at you?
You have just fucked up your first marriage. And itâ€™s only been what 17 months and you got engaged already.
I know youâ€™re not in love with him; itâ€™s just everything else that he has that youâ€™re after. Because I know you donâ€™t know what love is because you proved that with me.
So where in the hell does that put you?
I think you need help?
And take a long look at yourself
Because youâ€™re not making much sense,
What do you mean? That Iâ€™m going to get what I deserve in life later.
Donâ€™t you think Iâ€™ve suffered enough pain already?
You know in my first marriage we ended up getting a German shepherd dog also,
Itâ€™s like an omen it brings me bad luck.
One day the old you may come back and by then it will be too late for forgiveness,
And now she sends me a message
Saying? Happy birthday for tomorrow, Hope all is well and best of health and happiness for 2007.
Why did you have to send that to me.
And then she said? Iâ€™m sorry for that phone message I was angry and hurt and I guess sad too. I do think about you and sayba a lot and remember the good time often. And buy nice place and love sayba enough for both of us ok.
Ok I have felt all of those things but not once did I say bad stuff to her.
By the way I did have a nice place, but you took it away from me. And I will always love sayba for me? You donâ€™t deserve his love.
What I Want From You
Is an apology for what you did?
And a reason why
And sorry would be nice also.
The truth will come out one day?